Friday, September 30, 2016

Are You Afraid of Losing Me?


I ran across this quote in one of my nonstop pinning sessions... I feel like it describes my BPD relationship perfectly. And it's a message that has floated around in the back of my head my whole life. So much so that a couple of years ago, I assumed no one was concerned with losing me and began to put up walls so what I viewed as the inevitable wouldn't hurt as bad.

Do my feelings really matter? Does my hurt matter? Do I even matter?

It's funny how after each explosion, it's so easy for this person to shut the door and walk away from me with such ease. Over ridiculous things. I feel like there is never any real consideration for my feelings, my needs. I feel like I could disappear, and this person wouldn't even notice. It's the most conditional relationship I've ever experienced in my life- definitely not what you expect or deserve from a parent. 

I actually do disappear after the explosions. But for some reason, I always feel guilty and reach out to bridge the gap after a few months. Our relationship is a timeline defined by this pattern. And, I'm so sick of the back and forth, the instability, the roller coaster. 

But this time, I think I am done. I'm tired of wasting my energy and emotions on a relationship that is never going to change. I'm the priority now. I need to take care of me and to take care of my family. There are so many other people out there that truly care about me and want to have a real relationship with me, that I'd rather invest my time with those people. 

I do matter. And there are a large number of people that don't want to lose me. And those relationships mean the world to me. I'm so lucky to have the best family and friends. SO lucky. I hope they all know how much I appreciate and value each and every one of them. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

More on BPD...

Today, I stumbled across these six issues, and it describes my childhood so precisely that it's scary. Just thought I'd share...


Mason and Kreger (2010, as cited in Neuman 2012) list six issues frequently associated with BPD parenting:
1.      Difficulty separating relationships with their children from problems with others – BPD parents may not be able to allow their children to have positive relationships with people that the BPD parents dislikes (such as between separated parents).

2.      Inconsistent parenting – BPD parents may treat their children in inconsistent ways (i.e. over-involvement vs. neglect)

3.      Unpredictable love – BPD parents may have difficulty providing children with a consistent feeling of being loved.

4.      Feeling threatened by a child’s normal behavior – BPD parents may have difficulty allowing children to be angry with them without retaliating, or allowing their children to indivuate without feeling abandoned.

5.      Inability to love unconditionally – BPD parents may withdraw love when their children do not obey, or when their children express anger or disappointment with them.

6.      Feeling threatened by a child’s feelings and opinions – BPD parents may defend their fragile sense of self by punishing their children for expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions that they do not like.

And honestly, searching quotes on Pinterest keeps me sane when I'm going through something tough. 
Here are a few that have touch on what I'm dealing with and how I'm feeling.





Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Shit Gets Real- Borderline Personality Disorder

Alright, I normally keep this blog pretty surface level, just a log of all the places I go and eat, etc. But to be honest, right now I'm going through some shit. My therapist told me that I needed to take some time to really process it, and so I decided to do it here. It'll be easy to come back to if I need it and maybe someone else who really needs it will stumble across it and find some help and comfort.

About a year and half ago, I found myself in a really, really dark place. My life had spiraled out of control, I was destroying the relationships that meant the most to me, and I was turning away from everyone, becoming bitter, angry, and cold. I felt like no one really cared about me. I realized the hard way that I had to make a huge change. I didn't know what to do or how to do it, so I started counseling. One of the best decisions I've ever made.

I've discovered that I picked up a lot of bad coping mechanisms and thinking patterns from my childhood. I learned how to have unrealistic expectations of those I love, to blame others for my unhappiness, and how to just be numb, to not acknowledge my feelings. I didn't know how unhealthy it was to shut down my emotions, to stop communicating when I was hurting. And so much more.

Through this journey, I also realized the root cause of it all. Someone close to me, that I love has Borderline Personality Disorder, undiagnosed. I always knew this relationship was tumultuous. I have spent my entire life trying to fix it. I always felt like I was the problem, that if I tried a little harder, things could be better, and that we could have the close relationship that I'd been longing for my whole life.

Thankfully, I have finally realized that I am not the problem.  And it has been the most freeing thing ever. Granted, I am still struggling with how to handle this relationship- that's my biggest struggle right now- but it is so comforting to know that I am not the problem.

For a little bit more information on borderline personality disorder, please check out this website: Borderline Personality Disorder. Stay tuned for more as I process this all and open up... It should be an interesting journey.





Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Thursday Night Date Night

As a little early anniversary celebration and a splurge in advance of the coming baby, we had special plans for a Thursday night date night!


We had dinner at Bruno's, an Italian restaurant downtown. I scarfed down this bread and oil WAY too fast! It was soft and delicious!




I had the mushroom and veal ravioli. It was good but so darn salty. It was a little hard to eat.




After dinner, we still had some time to kill before the show, so we stopped by Civil Kitchen for some drinks.... or homemade raspberry lemon soda in my case.

We were walking up the stairs to the bar above the restaurant and saw this sign. I thought it was perfect. We are about to embark on a new adventure very soon, and we couldn't be more excited!!




The view and sunset was beautiful. It was the perfect, peaceful night downtown.




And then, we made our way to the show! Lewis Black's Naked Truth Tour at Gillioz. We had to wait in line forever, the line was backed up all the way back to the square- which is crazy. Must have been because of security... which I'm glad they ended up having!




I was surprised at the wide range of ages at the show. A few people our age, then a lot of older adults- grandparent age. Surprised me. Lewis Black is like a grumpy old man. But so blunt, honest, and raunchy- I loved it. Definitely our style of humor. Unfortunately, not everyone's. Of course he went into a Trump tirade and there were some people that just couldn't handle it. The crowd went a little bit crazy at one point, harassing each other, and a big group got up and left. I was a little worried things might escalate, but everyone calmed back down and the show continued. Just made me nervous for a little bit!




It was a great night, good dinner, hilarious show- I'm so glad Lewis Black came to town and that we were able to see the show!

Monday, September 26, 2016

Friend Shower


I am so excited to share these photos. I have to say, I have the best group of friends. I am so thankful for their excitement and love towards Baby T. They really outdid themselves at this beautiful shower. It all meant so much to me, and I can never thank them enough!




The flowers, the snacks, the drinks. Perfection.




And these succulents were the cutest party favors!




My aunt also attended this shower. She brought a chest that I had when I was a child that my dad repainted for me along with some dresses from when I was a baby and few other childhood mementos. This really touched my heart. I am so thankful to have these dresses to pass on to my daughter. Also, stay tuned for some interesting blog posts later on. This gesture caused A LOT of family drama, and I will most likely share some of it just to help myself process. Maybe someday someone will find this and be able to relate to some of the things I'm going through.




And I know, I never post pictures of myself- much less my preggo self- but I felt pretty darn beautiful that day. All thanks to my wonderful friends!!




Also, they nailed the cake. White cake with whipped frosting is my absolute favorite. I believe this was from Hy-Vee, and I'm a little sad there was only one piece left to take home. I could eat this stuff every single day!




But seriously, friends, thank you so much for your love, generosity and hard work in putting on the perfect shower for my family. We appreciate it more than words can say!! Love you all!

Monday, September 19, 2016

Touch! And More!

After the thunderstorms rolled through, we headed out to Touch for dinner. This is another one of those places that's not downtown that I tend to forget just how much I love.




We started off with the Scottish Salmon and Alaskan King Crab Dip. I loved the kale on top- made me feel a little bit healthy. :) I'm a sucker for any kind of seafood dip, and this hit the spot!




Hubbs ordered some oysters from the oyster bar. He wouldn't let me touch them. This pregnancy thing is starting to get real old... kidding.... kind of... 




We also ordered the Mediterranean Dip. The feta was a little strong for me, so I just picked out the chickpeas... which also made me feel slightly healthy. 




We also ordered the Steak Tartare. Again, this was mainly the Hubbs, but I stole a few small bites, and it was amazing. I like Tuna Tartare but this was way better!




And, of course, all that food didn't fill me up- so we stopped at Dairy Queen for dessert on the way home. I had to make sure to get a Pumpkin Pie Blizzard before they were gone. This hit the spot- give me all the pumpkin!




Saturday morning, Hubbs and I met up with the bestie at the Alzheimer's Walk. I've seen the pain that this disease can cause, and I definitely make an effort to show support every year. This year, the two mile walk was more of a waddle, but I'm glad I was still able to participate! Can't wait to be there next year with baby girl in tow!




Saturday afternoon was the AMAZING baby shower that my friends threw for me. I can't express how special and loved they made us feel. Once I get all the photos, there will be a dedicated post, so stay tuned! I'm so thankful for all the hard work our friends put into it and that we even had friends come in from out of state. Means so much!!

Sunday, we stopped by Gailey's for breakfast. I needed the basics and devoured all of my food. Oh, what pregnancy does! I needed the fuel because then we hit Target- HARD. We finished up everything from our registry, and now we have almost everything we need for baby girl. This week will be spent organizing everything in the nursery!




I collapsed on the couch when we got home. Snoopy was feeling extra snuggly and sleepy too after the weekend company. I'd like to think he wanted to snuggle with his little sister, but I think he's still clueless. 




And then we wrapped up an already amazing weekend with the stadium opener Vikings vs Packers game. Oh man, we had talked about going to this game- and I wish we had- but being there in person probably would have put me into labor. I spent most of the game hiding nervously under my blanket. I am still in shock that we won! I think we're in for quite a season!!




Whatever it takes, right? 

Another busy week ahead- doctor's appointments, hospital tour, and nesting to the max. Happy Monday! 

Friday, September 16, 2016

Family Shower

On Saturday, my mom's side of the family threw me a lovely little baby shower. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that love us and baby girl so much. 

I mean, look at all these gifts! But the one that really touched my heart was the little white bag with Snoopy's name on it. I love that my aunt brought a gift just for Snoopy as well. 




This shower was at a local library. It's the same library that I used to go to when I was really little. It was neat to go to the children's section and remember back to some of my earliest memories being there. It's like my life has come full circle. 

I loved the baby's breath and burlap/lace table runners. They totally nailed my style with this shower!




And those puffs were neat. I ended up bringing some home to try and hang in the nursery, I'm hoping they will catch baby girl's eye and amuse her.




My aunt and cousin-in-law made the cakes. They were so delicious and pretty! It's hard to tell but they were ombre roses in a few shades of pink. So pretty!




My mom stayed with us after the shower so we took her to breakfast at the Aviary for crepes. Hello, nutella!! I've been wanting one of these since the last time I went to the Aviary!




And then, I came back to my desk to find these at work Monday. What a great start to the week! Flowers from my dad just to say he was thinking of me! 




Thankfully, I have great people in my life like my Dad and Hubby. It was a frustrating week at work- just the normal grind, but I think hormones made me a little more rage-y than normal, so Hubbs tried to cheer me up one day. Ice cream is always the way to my heart.




I'm ready for the weekend! Date night tonight, friend baby shower tomorrow, hanging out with some company from out of town, Vikings football, and who knows what else! Happy Friday! 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Work Baby Shower and the Week

We are in the middle of baby shower season over here. And I realized I forgot to post about the awesome work shower we had last week. My husband and I both work at the same company, so our departments got together and threw us a little shower over lunch one day. 




They nailed the theme! The cutest woodland creatures!




And that cake was the highlight. It was from Julie's Chewies, and my department spent the rest of the week savoring each piece! 




The little cutie oranges had faces drawn on them to look like jack-o-lanterns. So cute!!




We are so thankful to have such great co-workers. They made us and our little girl feel so loved! 

After all the cake last week, I had to make an effort to get to the gym. Needless to say, this exercise ball is totally my jam right now! Hubbs even bought me one so I can sit on it at home. It relieves some of the pressure I've been feeling in my hips. Seems like baby is getting ready to go!




After our work shower, we got all excited and  put together our crib. I thought the dresser was hard. Nope. We put this sucker together wrong twice! We had to take a break in the middle to stop and get dinner because we were so frustrated. But, finally- it is done!! So excited to see baby girl's room come together. Hopefully I'll post about the entire room in the coming weeks. 




Side note- we will remove the puppy dog from her crib. But it was a gift from the first Christmas Ben and I had when we were dating. How sweet! Love that it's in our girl's room now.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Friday Night Fun!

We are officially counting down our final date nights (for awhile) in anticipation of the big life change coming up in the next month and a half! So for this date night, we started out at the Red Room in Flame downtown. 


Red Room has some great happy hour deals! From 4-6, drinks are half off, and they have some good appetizers too. I have been thinking about their calamari since the last time we went back in the spring. When we went that time, they had calamari rods- that I have yet to find anywhere else! Sadly, this time they served regular calamari. I was a little disappointed, but it was still delicious. And I just love the intimate atmosphere of Red Room. 




We worked off our appetizers by doing some shopping. I found this guy at Marshall's and couldn't resist!


                         


After Marshall's, we ended up at Ocean Zen for dinner. I always forget about this place for some reason, but it is another big favorite in Springfield. I ordered a side of the lobster mac and cheese. Delicious! 




And then, of course, sushi. I would eat sushi every night if I could. Hubbs had the orange chicken, and it was also delicious! We had a great time just hanging out in a comfy booth, enjoying each other, and relaxing. Great date night!!


Saturday, September 10, 2016

Washington & St Louis

Sunday morning, we enjoyed another long walk along the river as one big family. It was crazy to have a niece and nephew with us and see them snoozing away in their strollers.




It was a gorgeous day, but I have to admit- the heat was a little more than I can handle right now.




We ate at Sugarfire for dinner. I'm not a huge bbq fan, so I ordered the chicken biscuit and asked for some veggies. It hit the spot as did the sweet tea!




Monday morning, to wrap up the weekend, some of the family went to check out the Arch. It was Snoopy's first trip to the Arch too! It was super hot, and there was a lot of construction so I was kinda crabby the whole time. 




But it was still neat to see the Arch up close again. Since I've lived in Missouri my whole life, I forget how cool it can be.




That concluded our Labor Day weekend getaway to Washington. Definitely a fun and relaxing weekend with family!

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Washington, Mo- Friday Night Kickoff

Friday afternoon, we hit the road to Washington, Missouri! Snoopy was super excited. 




We arrived earlier than the rest of the family, so we got settled in the house then found a place for dinner. Of course we chose the restaurant that had "distillery" in the name.




Driftwood Distillery is right on the river in Washington- a cute little area. We were sad to find out that they aren't a distillery quite yet, but they're working on it. Looks like the place was pretty new. I had a hamburger with gouda and the tots. Delicious. 




It was definitely a beautiful night. And even though the Missouri River is dirty and creeps me out, it was beautiful too. Perfect start to the weekend!