I Still Miss You.

I can't believe that it's been a year. 

I wish you were here to hold my little girl like you held me. You'd love her so much. I can just hear you say, "Well, HI Ellie!" -with just as much excitement as you would say, "Well, HI Abby!" 

I find comfort knowing that her first breath was in the same place that you took your last.

And it feels like you knew it was time- just the right time to pass the title of Grandpa on to my dad. 

But, I still miss you like crazy. And wish you were here. But know that your love continues on, on to a new generation. And that you are remembered. And cherished. And loved. More than anything. 

Family Date Night

After a week at home with baby girl, I was getting a little stir crazy, so Hubbs suggested we go out for dinner Saturday night- and I jumped at the chance!

The weather was gorgeous- so we headed out a little early, right before sunset, to walk around Sequiota Park. Crazy side note- there was a shooting there just an hour after we left. And this is in the nice part of town. Crazy- what is Springfield coming to? 

Baby girl did great in the wrap. I love having her close to me and being able to get out and about like this!

After our trip to the park, we went to Great American Taco Company for dinner. Baby girl slept the entire time. She's too good to us. Great American Taco Company is the last place I ate before I found out I was pregnant- my bestie and I stopped there on a girl's night. Good memories. 

We started with queso and tried a few different salsas. Their tacos are huge, but thankfully they have mini sizes now. So I had two small tacos- Hawaiian Tuna and Vegetarian. They were delicious! Hubbs had the Smothered Beef and Bean Burrito. I snagged a few bites, and it was tasty too. 

Such a fun night- and a great first family date out with my new little family. I'm so excited for all of our future outings to come! 

Mom Fails

Being a mom is sure keeping me on my toes. It's a life I wasn't sure I wanted a few years ago, but now I'm loving every single minute of it... even the crazy ones. I thought I'd share these as they come up- maybe you'll get a good laugh out of them like I have- and maybe it'll provide some comfort that you aren't alone when you have crazy moments like these.


So far this sums it up.... I went shopping last night and bought more sweatpants. Mom life?

And here's what I've learned....


1. Not all bottles are created equal.
One night, I made baby girl a bottle. She was drinking like a champ, but milk was going everywhere! I couldn't figure out why it was all such a mess.... Turns out I had just opened a package of bottles for 4-6 month olds. I knew bottles were different sizes, but I had no idea there were different nipples for different ages. Poor kid! No wonder she couldn't keep up.


2. Mom ears are sensitive.
3 am one night, I hear baby girl crying- my husband has her out in the living room. So, I drag myself out of bed, grab my boppy and head to feed her. I walk into the living room, and my husband gives me a really confused look. Baby girl was dead asleep. Dear old hubbs had been playing videos of her from the hospital- which apparently included her crying. I heard and thought she needed to be fed. Hubbs is lucky I have a good sense of humor. He may have lost his life that night otherwise.


3. When you feel like you need to pump, pump.
Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. And definitely do not make a bathroom stop, with your shirt off, prior to a pumping you've been putting off far too long. Milk will start streaming out of you while you are sitting on the toilet. Hubbs will have to run to get your pumping supplies so you can try to save some of this precious liquid gold. But, hey, you will laugh hard.


4. And don't forget all the parts.
Prior to turning on your breast pump, make sure there aren't any parts missing... you know, like the bottles that collect the milk. Otherwise, you will look down to find two huge, wet spots of breast milk on your pants. And realize that you have no bottles nearby, and that milk is just pumping all down the front of you.


These moments are hilarious. They keep me going- wondering what the heck is going to happen next. Keep the good times coming!

The World I Want For You

I'm not a very political person. I hate talking about politics. I almost didn't vote. I tend to think that no matter what we do, it doesn't matter. We'll hate whoever is elected into office anyways, and they just really won't do much. I tend to keep all opinions to myself. Your vote is a personal matter. It doesn't need to be shared on social media, with everyone who will listen, etc. I hate the drama it causes. I hate the nonstop ads. I hate the division it brings.

And today, I realized that it matters a little more to me.

All I can to do today is sit and look at my baby girl. All I can think about are the things that I want for her.

I want a world full of peace. I want her to be safe. No fear of wars or conflict- no riots, gun violence, or terrorism.

I want a world full of love and acceptance. Respect for others even if they look differently, think differently, believe differently, etc. I want everyone to feel embraced, empowered, and important.

I want her to feel like she can grow up to do anything. That nothing will hold her back. I want her to feel important, for who she is.

I want a world where we all work together instead of against each other. Where differing opinions are heard, respected, and where we can compromise and come together to make the world a better place for all of us.

I want her to be happy. I want her to be free.

I'm not sure what lies ahead. Change is scary. But, more than anything, I hope that this is the life my baby girl has- that this is the world she grows up in. I know it won't be all these things- the world is still a rough place, but I will do my best to make her world all of these things- full of love, safety, security, happiness, acceptance, and respect. Because she is my world, and she is the most important thing to me.

Birth Story

I'm not one for sharing a lot of personal details, but I wanted to document our story somehow, so here it is.

At our 38 week appointment, my blood pressure was high, so they sent me to Labor & Delivery to make sure I wasn't developing preeclampsia. By the time I got there, my blood pressure was going down, and I assumed it was just a fluke.

So, we went to our 39 week appointment the following week. I had been having contractions pretty regularly, mucus plug was coming out, so I knew we were close. I was 3 cm dilated, 70% effaced. Right off the bat, my blood pressure was high again. I was not a happy camper. Our doctor told us to go have lunch, then head to L&D because we were having a baby today.

Number one, I had no idea how to comprehend that. We ate lunch at Haruno, our favorite sushi place, and I couldn't do anything but sit there in shock and disbelief. Number two, I was pretty darn upset that I was being induced. It was the one thing, next to a c-section, that I absolutely did not want. But, I was ready to have baby girl in my arms.

We headed to the hospital and started the drugs. We figured this was going to be an all night process, so we didn't tell anyone we were being induced until they broke my water. One of my worst nightmares was everyone waiting at the hospital and hearing me push a kid out. No, thank you!! They had been ramping up the pitocin for a few hours- and I could barely feel the contractions. I had been feeling them more on my own the day before!

We called all our family to fill them in and then, they broke my water. I went to the bathroom, but by the time I was done, I was in so much pain I could barely walk back to the bed. I tried to sit on the birthing ball- which had been a big part of my plan, but it wasn't cutting it. I crawled back into bed and asked for some pain meds via iv. Well, they didn't get to it fast enough, and I was in so much pain and knew this labor could last for hours- so I asked for an epidural for relief. Best choice I've ever made. They administered it around 7 pm. Within an hour, I had dilated to 7 cm, 100% effaced.

At 9 pm, I was at 9 1/2 cm, and ready to start pushing. I was amazed at how darn fast it all went. I didn't even have time to take it all in. Baby girl was ready to be here!!

So, I started pushing at 9 pm. My husband helped hold my legs and did a great job encouraging me. We made a little progress but not much. Baby girl couldn't make it over my pelvic bone... knew she'd have her dad's head LOL. After two hours of pushing, things were starting to get serious. My bladder was swelling from the catheter, and the baby was starting to get hot. I was beginning to panic because I knew this could lead to c-section, which was my worst nightmare.

So, they decided to use the vacuum. We only had three tries, so I pushed my damn hardest on the first try- and they used the vacuum and gave me an episiotomy, and out she came!! We wanted her placed on my stomach immediately and to delay the cord cutting, but the cord was so short, they couldn't get her on my stomach, so Ben cut the cord pretty quickly.

And then she was on my chest. And the waterworks wouldn't stop. I couldn't believe she was actually here!! I could feel some sharp tugs as they stitched me up and when they pushed out the placenta, but I had her in my arms, and they could have sawed off a leg and I wouldn't have cared.

She's here- it's not quite how I planned- but she's here, and she's beautiful. And we're the happiest people on the face of this planet.

She's here!

Our beautiful daughter, Elliot Mae , made her appearance Thurs, Oct 20 at 10:43 PM. 7 pounds, 6 ounces, 20 inches. I'm still amazed by how beautiful she is, how full my heart is, and how proud I am to be her mother. I am so excited for this new journey, and I am beyond lucky to be on it.  

Baby Girl's Nursery

Here it is! The nursery is finally done!!

I really didn't have much of a theme going into the nursery. We played around with woodland creatures but didn't want anything overpowering. We chose to paint the walls a light grey so that it was neutral and could easily be repurposed. Please note this room has been bright pink with brown polka dots and then a bright teal. Hubbs refuses to paint it ever again. Can't say I blame him!

The crib is from Target. The fox mobile was made by our dearest friend Danielle. The puppy dogs in her crib were both given to me my first year of college by my little brother and by my husband. Baby girl already has tubs full of toys to play with and blankets to snuggle. 

My husband wanted a comfy chair, so we went with a brown leather La-Z-Boy. The pillow cover is from H&M, and the rug- which is one of my favorite things in the nursery- is from Marshall's. The pink curtains are from, I believe, JcPenney. They were in my bedroom when I was in high school. So glad I hung onto them! 

The changing table is a dresser from Target. I am super excited about the salt lamp too. And there's a cute red fox that we found at Marshall's next to it. 

I didn't want to hang anything on the wall too close to where baby girl will be, so all the pictures are on one wall. The one on the far left is from Marshall's. It says, "We Made A Wish And You Came True." 

The middle picture is a beagle puppy. It was painted by my aunt when she was in high school. My grandpa hung it in the playhouse he made me when I was 2. Sadly, we sold the playhouse when I moved in middle school, but we took the painting out of it. I'm so glad I saved this as well. 

The picture on the far right is from Target- "You Are My Greatest Adventure." My husband and I bought it when we first decided we wanted to have kids. I've been holding onto it for a few years now and am so glad it finally has a home.

The pink trunk was one my dad made me in high school. If you remember from the baby shower, he repainted it for us to put in baby girl's room. On it are various stuffed animals she's been given as well as books from our vacation travels that we've been buying her (Munich, Prague, Budapest, New York, etc). 

I really love how her room turned out. The pictures don't really capture the colors as well as I had hoped. Super excited to finally have baby girl in here to enjoy it with us! She'll be here before we know it! I'm so excited!!

Taking It Easy

The baby countdown is on. And we made relaxation a priority this weekend. Friday night, we hit the town just in case it was our last date night. We decided to go to Black Sheep since it was the last date night we had before we found out we were having a baby. Same thing- same food- so I didn't take any pictures.

While we waited for our table, we hopped over to MudHouse for some coffee. I tried an italian soda with cream and pumpkin spice. It was different, but really good! I'm glad I tried it! It was like a creamy, pumpkin flavored cream soda.

Saturday morning, I didn't do much of anything other than hold down the couch. 

Saturday night, I wanted some dessert. Surprise, surprise. I've been on a smores kick, so I popped some plain popcorn kernels on the stove top then added marshmellows, crushed graham crackers, and some chocolate chips. I popped it into the microwave for about 15 seconds so it could all gel together. Delicious!!

Sunday morning, I beat Hubbs out of bed and made him some gingerbread pancakes. They were pretty simple, not super healthy- but very delicious!

And that was pretty much the highlights of our weekend other than lots of football, the debate, and putting some finishing touches on the nursery- which will be my next post. Stay tuned!

Staycation Eats

Saturday night, we hit the town for dinner. I have to say, it was nice leaving from our central hotel instead of our house that's a little bit outside of town. Makes me want to move! We started at Barley, Wheat, and Rye. They were closed for a little bit wrapping up a private party, so we walked out to the community garden behind it. There's this neat little pavilion that you can sit in. And the cloud makes it rain on a tin roof. Very relaxing! 

Then, we enjoyed a cheese and meat plate (and drinks for Hubbs) at Barley, Wheat, and Rye. The weather was gorgeous so we watched the sunset from the patio. 

I love this place. It feels like a grandfather's study and is just cozy and relaxing.

We wanted wait for a happy hour to start, so we decided to skip to dessert first. Hello, Pumpkin Pie Concrete from Andy's. Man, I love these!! I think I'm a custard girl more than ice cream.

Then, we headed downtown to Kai for dinner. Ps. Their website lies. There is no happy hour at 9 pm on a Saturday. That was a little frustrating, but hey- I got sushi, so I was still happy. 

We always get the Miami Vice. Sex and the City is a staple too. We tried a new one that came out on fire, that was a fun surprise. Overall, tasty- even if it wasn't at happy hour prices. And. I think this stop at Kai completes our list of favorite restaurants that we wanted to eat at before baby comes. So crazy!! Great last big date night in the books before parenthood. Here we go!! The waiting officially begins.

Staycation at TownePlace Suites

Saturday, the Hubbs and I celebrated our 11th anniversary of being together! I beat him out of bed (a first) and whipped up some Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese Filled French Toast. 

Hubbs also surprised me with these at work on Friday. Gorgeous flowers, and they smell so good!! He's the best.

Later Saturday afternoon, we headed to our hotel. I had a Marriott Free Night that I earned from a promotion, so we decided to use it for this anniversary. We booked TownPlace Suites in Springfield. It had an indoor pool which was high priority, and it was right across from the hospital- just in case I went into labor. Spoiler: I didn't. :) 

This Marriott was also pet friendly, so we brought Snoops along this time.It was his first time riding next to the car seat. He did really well! Can't wait to see how he interacts with his baby sister soon!

I have to say, I've stayed in A LOT of hotels- and this one really surprised me, especially for being in Springfield. We walked into a little kitchenette. It was stocked with cups, plates, utensils and all the the little things you would need.

Then, you enter into the living room. I love how tiny and compact everything is, but it still felt really spacious. 

Snoopy was in heaven. 

We made him a spot by the window so he could watch everything outside. 

Then, we hit the pool! It was a saltwater pool. And you can't see it in this photo, but there is a tv on the left side of the pool- so we turned on some college football and watched while we swam. It felt so good to relieve the pressure on my hips!!

After swimming, we cleaned up and headed out to dinner. Before we left the hotel, we used the free drink coupon they gave us and relaxed with a glass of red wine by the fireplace. Well, hubbs relaxed with the wine. I jealously watched him. 

Stay tuned for more dinner details in the next post! But, I have to say, this little stay was perfect for us. It was right in town, the hotel was great, relaxing, convenient. And I really loved the decor, the friendly staff, and the thoughtfulness. The one downside is that I ordered an e-gift card with my rewards points to cover the pet fee. It's Tuesday, and I still haven't received it. Note- this is not a sponsored post- just sharing my experience with you! 

Are You Afraid of Losing Me?

I ran across this quote in one of my nonstop pinning sessions... I feel like it describes my BPD relationship perfectly. And it's a message that has floated around in the back of my head my whole life. So much so that a couple of years ago, I assumed no one was concerned with losing me and began to put up walls so what I viewed as the inevitable wouldn't hurt as bad.

Do my feelings really matter? Does my hurt matter? Do I even matter?

It's funny how after each explosion, it's so easy for this person to shut the door and walk away from me with such ease. Over ridiculous things. I feel like there is never any real consideration for my feelings, my needs. I feel like I could disappear, and this person wouldn't even notice. It's the most conditional relationship I've ever experienced in my life- definitely not what you expect or deserve from a parent. 

I actually do disappear after the explosions. But for some reason, I always feel guilty and reach out to bridge the gap after a few months. Our relationship is a timeline defined by this pattern. And, I'm so sick of the back and forth, the instability, the roller coaster. 

But this time, I think I am done. I'm tired of wasting my energy and emotions on a relationship that is never going to change. I'm the priority now. I need to take care of me and to take care of my family. There are so many other people out there that truly care about me and want to have a real relationship with me, that I'd rather invest my time with those people. 

I do matter. And there are a large number of people that don't want to lose me. And those relationships mean the world to me. I'm so lucky to have the best family and friends. SO lucky. I hope they all know how much I appreciate and value each and every one of them. 

More on BPD...

Today, I stumbled across these six issues, and it describes my childhood so precisely that it's scary. Just thought I'd share...

Mason and Kreger (2010, as cited in Neuman 2012) list six issues frequently associated with BPD parenting:

1.      Difficulty separating relationships with their children from problems with others – BPD parents may not be able to allow their children to have positive relationships with people that the BPD parents dislikes (such as between separated parents).

2.      Inconsistent parenting – BPD parents may treat their children in inconsistent ways (i.e. over-involvement vs. neglect)

3.      Unpredictable love – BPD parents may have difficulty providing children with a consistent feeling of being loved.

4.      Feeling threatened by a child’s normal behavior – BPD parents may have difficulty allowing children to be angry with them without retaliating, or allowing their children to indivuate without feeling abandoned.

5.      Inability to love unconditionally – BPD parents may withdraw love when their children do not obey, or when their children express anger or disappointment with them.

6.      Feeling threatened by a child’s feelings and opinions – BPD parents may defend their fragile sense of self by punishing their children for expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions that they do not like.

And honestly, searching quotes on Pinterest keeps me sane when I'm going through something tough. 
Here are a few that have touch on what I'm dealing with and how I'm feeling.

Shit Gets Real- Borderline Personality Disorder

Alright, I normally keep this blog pretty surface level, just a log of all the places I go and eat, etc. But to be honest, right now I'm going through some shit. My therapist told me that I needed to take some time to really process it, and so I decided to do it here. It'll be easy to come back to if I need it and maybe someone else who really needs it will stumble across it and find some help and comfort.

About a year and half ago, I found myself in a really, really dark place. My life had spiraled out of control, I was destroying the relationships that meant the most to me, and I was turning away from everyone, becoming bitter, angry, and cold. I felt like no one really cared about me. I realized the hard way that I had to make a huge change. I didn't know what to do or how to do it, so I started counseling. One of the best decisions I've ever made.

I've discovered that I picked up a lot of bad coping mechanisms and thinking patterns from my childhood. I learned how to have unrealistic expectations of those I love, to blame others for my unhappiness, and how to just be numb, to not acknowledge my feelings. I didn't know how unhealthy it was to shut down my emotions, to stop communicating when I was hurting. And so much more.

Through this journey, I also realized the root cause of it all. Someone close to me, that I love has Borderline Personality Disorder, undiagnosed. I always knew this relationship was tumultuous. I have spent my entire life trying to fix it. I always felt like I was the problem, that if I tried a little harder, things could be better, and that we could have the close relationship that I'd been longing for my whole life.

Thankfully, I have finally realized that I am not the problem.  And it has been the most freeing thing ever. Granted, I am still struggling with how to handle this relationship- that's my biggest struggle right now- but it is so comforting to know that I am not the problem.

For a little bit more information on borderline personality disorder, please check out this website: Borderline Personality Disorder. Stay tuned for more as I process this all and open up... It should be an interesting journey.

Thursday Night Date Night

As a little early anniversary celebration and a splurge in advance of the coming baby, we had special plans for a Thursday night date night!


We had dinner at Bruno's, an Italian restaurant downtown. I scarfed down this bread and oil WAY too fast! It was soft and delicious!

I had the mushroom and veal ravioli. It was good but so darn salty. It was a little hard to eat.

After dinner, we still had some time to kill before the show, so we stopped by Civil Kitchen for some drinks.... or homemade raspberry lemon soda in my case.

We were walking up the stairs to the bar above the restaurant and saw this sign. I thought it was perfect. We are about to embark on a new adventure very soon, and we couldn't be more excited!!

The view and sunset was beautiful. It was the perfect, peaceful night downtown.

And then, we made our way to the show! Lewis Black's Naked Truth Tour at Gillioz. We had to wait in line forever, the line was backed up all the way back to the square- which is crazy. Must have been because of security... which I'm glad they ended up having!

I was surprised at the wide range of ages at the show. A few people our age, then a lot of older adults- grandparent age. Surprised me. Lewis Black is like a grumpy old man. But so blunt, honest, and raunchy- I loved it. Definitely our style of humor. Unfortunately, not everyone's. Of course he went into a Trump tirade and there were some people that just couldn't handle it. The crowd went a little bit crazy at one point, harassing each other, and a big group got up and left. I was a little worried things might escalate, but everyone calmed back down and the show continued. Just made me nervous for a little bit!

It was a great night, good dinner, hilarious show- I'm so glad Lewis Black came to town and that we were able to see the show!

Friend Shower

I am so excited to share these photos. I have to say, I have the best group of friends. I am so thankful for their excitement and love towards Baby T. They really outdid themselves at this beautiful shower. It all meant so much to me, and I can never thank them enough!

The flowers, the snacks, the drinks. Perfection.

And these succulents were the cutest party favors!

My aunt also attended this shower. She brought a chest that I had when I was a child that my dad repainted for me along with some dresses from when I was a baby and few other childhood mementos. This really touched my heart. I am so thankful to have these dresses to pass on to my daughter. Also, stay tuned for some interesting blog posts later on. This gesture caused A LOT of family drama, and I will most likely share some of it just to help myself process. Maybe someday someone will find this and be able to relate to some of the things I'm going through.

And I know, I never post pictures of myself- much less my preggo self- but I felt pretty darn beautiful that day. All thanks to my wonderful friends!!

Also, they nailed the cake. White cake with whipped frosting is my absolute favorite. I believe this was from Hy-Vee, and I'm a little sad there was only one piece left to take home. I could eat this stuff every single day!

But seriously, friends, thank you so much for your love, generosity and hard work in putting on the perfect shower for my family. We appreciate it more than words can say!! Love you all!

Touch! And More!

After the thunderstorms rolled through, we headed out to Touch for dinner. This is another one of those places that's not downtown that I tend to forget just how much I love.

We started off with the Scottish Salmon and Alaskan King Crab Dip. I loved the kale on top- made me feel a little bit healthy. :) I'm a sucker for any kind of seafood dip, and this hit the spot!

Hubbs ordered some oysters from the oyster bar. He wouldn't let me touch them. This pregnancy thing is starting to get real old... kidding.... kind of... 

We also ordered the Mediterranean Dip. The feta was a little strong for me, so I just picked out the chickpeas... which also made me feel slightly healthy. 

We also ordered the Steak Tartare. Again, this was mainly the Hubbs, but I stole a few small bites, and it was amazing. I like Tuna Tartare but this was way better!

And, of course, all that food didn't fill me up- so we stopped at Dairy Queen for dessert on the way home. I had to make sure to get a Pumpkin Pie Blizzard before they were gone. This hit the spot- give me all the pumpkin!

Saturday morning, Hubbs and I met up with the bestie at the Alzheimer's Walk. I've seen the pain that this disease can cause, and I definitely make an effort to show support every year. This year, the two mile walk was more of a waddle, but I'm glad I was still able to participate! Can't wait to be there next year with baby girl in tow!

Saturday afternoon was the AMAZING baby shower that my friends threw for me. I can't express how special and loved they made us feel. Once I get all the photos, there will be a dedicated post, so stay tuned! I'm so thankful for all the hard work our friends put into it and that we even had friends come in from out of state. Means so much!!

Sunday, we stopped by Gailey's for breakfast. I needed the basics and devoured all of my food. Oh, what pregnancy does! I needed the fuel because then we hit Target- HARD. We finished up everything from our registry, and now we have almost everything we need for baby girl. This week will be spent organizing everything in the nursery!

I collapsed on the couch when we got home. Snoopy was feeling extra snuggly and sleepy too after the weekend company. I'd like to think he wanted to snuggle with his little sister, but I think he's still clueless. 

And then we wrapped up an already amazing weekend with the stadium opener Vikings vs Packers game. Oh man, we had talked about going to this game- and I wish we had- but being there in person probably would have put me into labor. I spent most of the game hiding nervously under my blanket. I am still in shock that we won! I think we're in for quite a season!!

Whatever it takes, right? 

Another busy week ahead- doctor's appointments, hospital tour, and nesting to the max. Happy Monday!