I ran across this quote in one of my nonstop pinning sessions... I feel like it describes my BPD relationship perfectly. And it's a message that has floated around in the back of my head my whole life. So much so that a couple of years ago, I assumed no one was concerned with losing me and began to put up walls so what I viewed as the inevitable wouldn't hurt as bad.
Do my feelings really matter? Does my hurt matter? Do I even matter?
It's funny how after each explosion, it's so easy for this person to shut the door and walk away from me with such ease. Over ridiculous things. I feel like there is never any real consideration for my feelings, my needs. I feel like I could disappear, and this person wouldn't even notice. It's the most conditional relationship I've ever experienced in my life- definitely not what you expect or deserve from a parent.
I actually do disappear after the explosions. But for some reason, I always feel guilty and reach out to bridge the gap after a few months. Our relationship is a timeline defined by this pattern. And, I'm so sick of the back and forth, the instability, the roller coaster.
But this time, I think I am done. I'm tired of wasting my energy and emotions on a relationship that is never going to change. I'm the priority now. I need to take care of me and to take care of my family. There are so many other people out there that truly care about me and want to have a real relationship with me, that I'd rather invest my time with those people.
I do matter. And there are a large number of people that don't want to lose me. And those relationships mean the world to me. I'm so lucky to have the best family and friends. SO lucky. I hope they all know how much I appreciate and value each and every one of them.
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